Spotify Stalker: my favorite songs I found from my crushes
Graphic by Cate Banks
By Lily Suckow Ziemer
I’m what some would call hyper fixated when it comes to crushes. It’s not like I go into a crazed state trying to learn everything about the person, but I can be a little bit of an online stalker. Sure I’ll comb through their tagged photos on Instagram, but who doesn’t? If I happen to stumble upon a Letterboxd or a Spotify account, of course I’m going to check it out. I’ve been told this is weird, and that I should just “let people come to me.” In my defense, this advice comes from flirting masters, who have actually dated people. For the rest of us, the overflowing information on the internet is a wonderful tool to ignore the real world and become immersed in a crush.
While my crushes often fail to pan out, I revel in learning the little things. The music they like, for example, is essential in building a crush’s profile. Let me just say: I must have good taste in people, because I’ve never been disappointed by a crush’s Spotify. While my feelings may come and go, the songs and artists I discover because of them tend to stick around.
“Chamomile” by Khalil?
No matter how many times I listen to “Chamomile,” I still wish the song wouldn’t end. The song is repetitive with a stripped down beat but it’s stronger because of it, automatically making your head nod to the beat. It’s undoubtedly become one of my favorite songs.
For obvious reasons, the summer of 2020 included some of the most time I’ve ever spent outside. My friends and I found ourselves Googling the best beaches in the Twin Cities in order to find the perfect one. Bush Lake beach was one of them. The first time I went, my friends and I noticed a group of boys around our age that arrived shortly after us. We theorized ways we could talk to them but ultimately we were too shy. In a moment of extreme confidence, we wrote a note on a napkin in my friend’s car,“We’re shy, but here are our Snaps.” I took the great risk of running to their towels to slip the note under a shoe while they were swimming. Twenty minutes later in a Sonic parking lot, we were all added by the same guy. I snapped him first, anxious to take a picture at the perfect angle. He sent a picture of his friend's nipple. I sent a picture of a chicken tender balanced on my friend's collarbone. My other friends snapped him a couple times, but neither were interested.
We spent about a week talking, and I was immediately interested. Why wouldn’t I be? He was attractive and paying attention to me. We exchanged Instagrams and on his somewhat barren profile I found one song posted to his story: “Chamomile” by Khalil? I was embarrassed to type the song into Spotify, but curious to know more about him.
“Chamomile” is sweet, and Khalil? even admits in the lyrics, “I'm talking cheesy on this song.” The rapper’s deep voice makes the song an easy listen, both fun and soothing. It quickly joined my rotation of songs.
The two of us stopped talking pretty quickly, but I still used him as a stand in for my dating fantasies. It had to mean something, since I was still on his private story, right? When he turned 18 he posted to said story a video of him taking 18 shots in celebration. Throwing up three times out of his car door, I lost my feelings pretty soon after. However, “Chamomile” didn’t disappear off of my playlist. It eventually left my rotation and I hadn’t listened to it for a year or two, but going through an old playlist of mine this past May, it played, and everything came flooding back. I still love the song. My crush on him wasn’t particularly good or bad, but it meant a lot at the time. A part of “Chamomile” will always remind me of how silly it was to let him occupy so much of my thoughts, but that’s not a bad thing.
“Susie Save Your Love” by Allie X and Mitski
I strongly identify as a Mitski fan, but it wasn’t always this way. For a while I had only heard her as a feature on Allie X’s album Cape God (2020). “Susie Save Your Love” is a pop song which is pretty different from most of Mitski’s discography, but it showcases her range, presenting gorgeous vocals even with less challenging notes. Furthermore, the
I was never fully out in high school, but towards the end of my Senior year I became more comfortable with attending GSA meetings and disclosing my queerness with those I deemed safe. The main reason I went was because I had a crush on one of the GSA leaders. She was one of the first people to be out at our school and she had a strong, unabashed personality. In the beginning I just admired her from afar, too shy to even approach her as a friend. My crush was only fueled by our few interactions.
In Junior year I posted “Susie Save Your Love” by Allie X and Mitski to my story. I was surprised when I received a dm from her: “Do you listen to Mitski?” I didn’t. The song is about a girl, in love with her friend, begging her to leave her boyfriend. Allie X and Mitski sing the iconic line, “Save your love for someone like me.” I had been listening to the song on repeat, but not any of the artists’ other discography. So it was a little bit of a white lie when I responded with “yeah.”
“I sensed that you do.” I can still feel the blush on my cheeks as I read that message. It felt like some sort of approval. For most of high school I never felt like my classmates really knew me. While I didn’t listen to Mitski, I certainly fit the stereotypes of someone who would.
Later that summer, I came back to Mitski. I had this nagging feeling that I should make my lie a reality. As soon as I heard her song, “Liquid Smooth,” I was obsessed. Mitski’s album—Lush (2012) was the only thing I listened to for two weeks. At a certain point it no longer had anything to do with my crush, I was just in love with Mitski’s voice.
Senior year my crush and I got closer, to the point that we even went out to lunch between classes. We bonded over shared experiences and being in the top 0.5% of Mitski’s listeners. Though as our friendship grew, my crush faded. She even got a boyfriend, which is pretty ironic given the lyrics of “Susie Save Your Love.” We haven't really talked since going to college, but I don’t really mind. Mitski’s still one of my all time favorite artists, and she had a part in introducing me to her. Even if my feelings for her are gone, new ones are created every time I listen to the music she gave me.
“En Plein jour” by yanghongwon
I have been known to have crushes on people I’ve never talked to. It’s easy for me to let my infatuation grow after seeing them often enough. A lot of people acted confused about my crush for this particular guy, but something about his baggy pants and tote bag drew me in (baggy pants tend to expedite my crushes). It’s embarrassing to say but it took me a while to even figure out his name. His illusive demeanor further piqued my interests, I wanted to know more about him
After being bold enough to hit “request follow” on his Instagram, I was ecstatic to get a follow back. His profile had very few posts, and no tagged photos (see what I mean by illusive??). What I found, after scrolling through multiple photo dumps, was a screenshot of the song “en plein jour” by YANGHONGWON in a photo dump. Looking it up on Spotify was the natural next step. The song begins with an interesting chord progression that repeats throughout. YANGHONGWON’s deep voice perfectly suits the song as he raps and sings. I began to listen to it regularly, and, in one of my lower moments, added it to a photo on my Instagram story. In my defense, I genuinely like the song, but it’s weird, considering I knew he’d see the story.
Shortly after I first spoke to him, he got a girlfriend. Story of my life. I was then deterred from listening to “en plein jour,” mourning the crush that I never got to fully experience. Even after moving on, I eventually came back to the song. It was too good to leave behind.
“Spiderman Vs. Doctor Octopus” by Makeout Palace
“Spiderman Vs. Doctor Octopus” is a weird name for a song, but trust me it’s good. It’s hard to know where it’s going upon your first listen, but that’s what makes it fun. No matter how many times you play it you’ll be engaged.
The odds were stacked against me with this next one, becoming interested in a guy who I’d only met twice, and who went to another school. The distance meant most of my crush took place online. I noticed that his friend’s Spotify was linked in her Instagram bio, and figured it couldn’t hurt to see if they followed each other. They did.
I’ve had plenty of crushes, but none with their whole Spotify at my disposal, and I was excited to explore new music. He had a playlist titled “niche bands i’ve seen in boston,” and I was sold. The whole playlist is gold, featuring lesser known bands who’ve toured in Boston such as Luby Sparks, Palomino Blond and Main Era, but the song I couldn’t get out of my head was “Spiderman Vs. Doctor Octopus” by Boston based band Makeout Palace. The lead singer’s voice borders on yelling and the instruments battle to be heard. It’s the perfect mixture of chaos, which served my feelings well. For the next month I was internally screaming the lyrics “I was Spiderman and you were Doc Oc / And you punched me through the wall of the national bank.”
I got to see him one more time before summer break, and it became clear that I had no chance. I’ve come to terms with it, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t still listen to his playlists. I feel guilty about it, but I can’t help it if he has good taste! Maybe I never gained anything romantically from this crush, but I gained a plethora of new music to enjoy.
Cliches and stereotypes aside, I know that I’m a hopeless romantic. Despite the depressing fact that my crushes never go anywhere, I can’t stop experiencing them. There’s benefits to one-sided crushes, even if I’d rather they end in relationships. I can remember every crush I’ve had since my first one at 3 years old, and there’s a reason for that. No matter how small or distant the crush, I’ve learned things about myself because of them. In this case, they’ve prompted my exploration of music. Good things, like the discovery of my new favorite song or artist, are still possible without a relationship.