Hey Cold War Kids! Don’t Even Think About “Hanging Me Up To Dry”

by sofia giarrusso

I’d like to preface with an acknowledgment of my bias. I’m aware that it’s gross, a bad look even. I’m dumbfounded as to where it stems from. So I’ll prematurely raise my white flag: I have no personal vendetta against Cold War Kids. I’m sure they’re cool, or at least nothing short of fine most of the time. 

But, I can’t let my soul rot from the weight of being a grade-A hater. I’m coming clean and coming out: I think “Hang Me Up To Dry” is abhorrent. This indie rock hit has been featured in everybody’s favorites: Gossip Girl (2007-2012), Saltburn (2023), and “That’s What I Call Corny 2007!” It’s got a great bass line, and then…yeah, that’s it. How it became so relevant is beyond me. Granted, I was three years old during its peak (coming out as Gen-Z too, I guess), so I don’t have much, if any nostalgia, attached to it. And I’d rather not debate a millennial about this take. I recognize I’m in a very, very silent majority. In fact, maybe these are some of the most original thoughts I’ve ever had. 

Seriously, I feel like I’ve got the cilantro gene-type soapy taste when it comes to this track. Like, it technically isn’t terrible. It’s definitely an earworm and representative of an interesting time in popular music. I just cannot excuse its flaccid attempt at punchy and edgy vocals. It tries so hard to be brash, but instead, lead singer Nathan Willett moans on and on through a laundry list (literally) of allegories on sex and relationships. It gets stale very quickly and carries on in a way where Willett thinks that he’s being almost arthouse with his approach but…it’s not…duh. The product is more of a grueling listen, best set for an amateur talent show. I truly believe that an acapella version of “Hang Me Up To Dry” would wake me up from the dead just so I could promptly turn it off and return to an eternal slumber. 

Whatever dynamics the song presents plateau with boredom. Again, the bass is bumping. And the rest is hollow. It forces Willett to take center stage which is, obviously, nowhere near gratifying. A piano smashes rudely somewhere in the middle of the song which could be Sgt. Pepper’s kind of avant-garde…if any other aspect of the song followed suit. It’s as if I threw a line of crappy poetry right smack dab in the middle of this piece and let it be. No commentary, no cohesion. Plain confusion. 

A lot of Cold War Kids’ stuff sounds like it's made to be covered by a middle school choir. And I personally don’t want to imagine school-age children singing these lyrics: “You wrung me out / Too too too many times.” Bleh. While this artificial sound isn’t inherently bad and, yes, this is a declaration of personal preference, it all comes off as lazy and uninspired. Take their biggest song: “First.” Transparently, it’s probably even worse than “Hang Me Up To Dry.” It littered Alt Nation’s rotation on Sirius XM for like…five years; its clutch on mainstream rock outlasted Obama’s presidency and rang in the Covid-19 pandemic. Chilling, really. The beat is dry, the whole composition is best fit for a Ford commercial, and I recoil whenever I hear the chorus: “Flying like a cannonball, falling to the earth / Heavy as a feather when you hit the dirt.” The skip button will never see me approach faster. 

Cold War Kids, you darn corndogs, you. All love. And reader, if you too are part of the Certified “Hang Me Up To Dry” Hate Club, email me. Let’s get lunch.