Staff Pix 4/10: Hate Crate
“Fuh You” by Paul McCartney
Listen: I love the Beatles. Like, a lot. But it gets to a point… why was Paul McCartney, in his 70s, singing what he calls a “raunchy love song” in 2018? “Fuh You” was the first single off of his 17th—yes, seventeenth—single studio album and proves that sometimes artists should know when to stop making new music. McCartney is 60 years into the game, and the lyrics to “Fuh You” answer the question, What could he still possibly write about? “On the night that I met you, I was on the town,” McCartney sings. And if you thought the lyrics couldn’t possible get worse, then you’d be wrong: “I just wanna know how you feel / Want a love that’s so proud and real / You make me wanna go out and steal / I just want it fuh you, I just want it fuh you.” Like seriously why is a now 80-year-old singing about getting it on, and why did he only use the first results on RhymeZone when writing the song? — Heather Thorn
“Piano Man” by Billy Joel
I’m sorry Billy Joel but I’m sick and tired of hearing about the so-called “Piano Man.” I get it, the message is there – community is everything and to share a song and a dance with someone is one of the greatest joys in life – but it grows redundant by the end of the five-and-a-half minute track. The unbearable merriment of the accordion and harmonica really put the nail in the coffin of unlistenability and the album cover alone is enough to make my skin crawl. I truly just hate this song and each time I am subjected to someone’s desperate attempts to get a room of people to come together and obnoxiously recite the monotonous chorus, I die a little inside. — Sophie Parrish
“I Was Made For Lovin’ You” by KISS
My problem with KISS is not the fact that they make awful, generic, middle-of-the-road glam metal. That doesn’t help their case, sure, but my soul-deep hatred for them comes from the fact that they have no reason to look like that. For a band that makes music no heavier or more interesting than Aerosmith or Def Leppard, they sure are trying to convince us that they do. Their whole thing is just stolen valour. Even Mötley Crüe, for all their flaws, earned their stupid makeup and leather pants by actually doing all of the sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll. The Black Metal guys who wore the corpse paint were actually burning down churches and murdering each other. KISS just sort of… look like that. If they looked normal I wouldn’t hate them any more than I hate every other shitty glam metal band—but then again, if they looked normal no one would know who they are. No one remembers KISS for their music (which, to be fair, is also bad). No one even remembers them for being scandalous, a la Mötley Crüe. The only thing of note about them is their makeup, which is not only unwarranted but also insanely uncool, and which they use to cover up the fact that they make music for pussies. Who are you trying to fool, Gene? No amount of leather wrist cuffs and face paint will change the fact that your music is boring, radio-friendly dogshit! — Mimi Newman
“What’s Up” by 4 Non Blondes
As someone who believes that he truly loves all music, I can not STAND What’s Up by 4 Non Blondes. Sure, I’m not the only one to have this take but that doesn’t mean that I’m in the majority. With 2 billion views on Youtube it seems that everyone and their entire family adores this song, and being honest I understand. It is so damn catchy. I can never get it out of my head, even if I wanted to. It’s the hippie-fication of ‘90s alternative rock, which might be the worst thing you can call a song. Even with it being so catchy, I could put on any other song from this era and simply feel 100 times better. — Mario Sierra
“Summer Nights” by John Travolta, Olivia Newton-John
Something a lot of people don’t know about me is that I’m actually pure of heart and so as a side effect am unable to feel hatred BUT if I WERE to hate something, I would hate the musical Grease with a passion beyond the force of a thousand supernovae.There is much that has already been said about Grease and I’m sure much that will be said for decades to come. I feel all too often people focus on the most present flaw of the obscene sexism and inequity of the ending (Sandra Dee having to completely change herself in order to fit into Danny’s world, Danny himself having to make no compromises.) Not to say this verdict is not correct. It is absolutely a valid critique, but in truth it often overshadows the true problem with Grease, the fact that it just simply sucks. Not “oh it’d be swell if not for the ending,” or, “oh just turn your brain off and have fun.” It’s just terrible. “There Are Worse Things I Could Do” is perhaps the only worthwhile song in the show. All others are rife with trite motifs (both in the music and the storytelling) and obnoxious lyrics. I have friends in my hometown who have been in productions of this musical MULTIPLE TIMES. One particular friend has even been in it FIVE DIFFERENT TIMES WITH FIVE SEPARATE THEATRE COMPANIES. I have no clue how they do it!!! It’s just awful. I could never be in a production of it, I could never see a production of it. If I ever watch the movie I’m only there for the animated intro and the “Beauty School Dropout” sequence which is admittedly hilarious if still in its own unbelievably obnoxious Grease-like way. — Declan Ireland